My Cauliflower Nightmare

I've eaten cauliflower before, mainly if it was part of an entree, but I've never actually purposefully sought out to cook and eat a cauliflower. I know cauliflower is a super gassy veggie (like way worse than beans) which has always been a major turn off for me.

Recently, I've seen lots of recipes that use cauliflower as a substitute for carbs and people seem to love it and in the back of my head I keep thinking, "Don't they get gassy?... maybe its not as bad as I thought it was."

I made a recipe for cauliflower & lentil soup

And here's where the nightmare begins..

I had 2 bowls for lunch, I was so bloated and gassy for the entire day. My stomach kept cramping up. I was hungry but I couldn't eat anything because my stomach was so bloated. Then my blood sugar was getting low, so I was shaking and getting the sweats, but I couldn't eat anything. My stomach was so expanded I looked like I was going on my 3rd trimester of a cauliflower-baby-monstrosity.
I had a  4 mile trail run planned that I had to cut short because I felt like I was either going to vomit, or shart myself. In pain I went home and tried to have dinner and sleep it off.

Around 1 am, my stomach pains violently woke me up. Then around 2-3 am I was regurgitating my days meals. I felt much better after that, but now here's the Worse part (what it gets worse? YES!)

The vomiting caused the blood vessels around my eyes and face to burst. It looks like I have black eyes.
I'm trying every remedy I can find online to reduce the blotchy-redness. 

Its safe to say, I'm not eating cauliflower again. It actually looks Better in the picture. In person its waaay worse